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"Burn The Fuxking Boats." | This is my coming out.

Updated: Jul 8, 2022

I did not choose who I've been led to become, but I did choose to answer the call.

I did not choose to have one of my first conscious memories of this life to be of being molested by an older cousin. But I did choose to allow that pain, confusion, and shattered sense of Self to lead me down an academic path of "healing" (or at least what would lay the foundation for the healing that was to come). I did not choose to have old-school, first-generation immigrant parents who shamed and silenced sexuality - 1. by not speaking about it at all and 2. by crippling me with judgement and criticism when they saw I'd typed the word "masturbation" into our search engine or found a dildo a friend had given me for my birthday.

"Not in our house!" they roared.

.... to this day I wonder, what was the intent? Did they think I wouldn't have discovered my vagina on my own? Of course, they had no way of knowing that I'd been being raped by their nephew since before I knew how to do math.

I did not choose to end up with a series of much-older-than-me boyfriends (weirdly, all the same age-gap as between my cousin and I. Coincidence?) - though I did choose to stand up vehemently for "I'm worth waiting for" and 'saving myself' for a considerable amount of time after the abuse had stopped.

It seems that somewhere, deep down, I knew I was *sacred*... even in the absence of anyone telling me so.

I didn't consciously choose to begin feeling shame around sexuality and pleasure... it just kind of arrived.. and when I discovered alcohol (at admittedly a much later age than most) I quickly sought cover behind it. I chose to tuck my curiousities and confidence behind peach schnapps and cheap rosé. It seems I was somehow indoctrinated to believe that the only way I was allowed to be saucy, spicy, seductive, or submissive was if I was doing it drunk (how beneficial to the liquor industry).

I didn't consciously choose a "healer's" path - I didn't even fully know what I needed to heal from... I just knew I was smart and I could do well in school and, like, 'if my child/adolescent psychiatrist was such a pivotal part of my 'healing' from [depression and anorexia] as a teenager [read: early sexual trauma that nobody knew about] then the only logical thing for me to do with my life is to follow that same path (until I arrived among the medical world and thought - "this is total bullsh*t - I don't actually want this AT ALL.") I didn't consciously "follow my gut" because nobody taught me I even had one. I didn't know what intuition meant and I was certainly never taught to listen to her...

But I did follow something... every time I 180'd away from paths I once thought I wanted - until I arrived and realized, "This is completely misaligned."

I didn't consciously choose to 180º so many times.... But I did choose to lean into that feeling of, "Something isn't right." My life looked so perfect on the outside, but something wasn't right. This relationship appears to be a fairytale - but something isn't right. This opportunity is literally my life handed to me on a silver platter... nope, still not right.

I didn't consciously choose to about-face so many times but looking back, each time I did, I unknowingly aligned a little bit more. I didn't consciously choose to build my first business. I didn't consciously choose to build my first online brand. I didn't consciously choose to pivot and diversify my skillsets across multiple industries without having a stitch of formal training in anything I offered. But I did choose (however unconsciously) to follow the call. And with each call, I grew. I became a w̶e̶d̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ entrepreneur and I grew. I planned a bunch of Indian weddings. Those Indian weddings moved something in me. I flew to India. India moved me. I trekked the Himalayas. Nepal woke up some dormant, powerful warrior spirit inside of me. I began to get brave. I began to get humble. I began to get curious about "something more". I traveled the world and I grew.

I didn't consciously choose to learn at the feet of Buddhist monks, or alongside Bahamian billionaires or with a myriad of mentors, teachers and guides around the world. But I chose to lean into all of it. I chose to learn from all of it. From all of them.

I didn't consciously choose to get into tech. It was just another one of those about-faces, another 180º revolution into further alignment. I was called to it one weekend in Boston while I was teaching a How To Be a Blogger workshop. I didn't consciously choose to