"Everything feels so misaligned..."
Words From My Journal:
"Why does everything feel so misaligned right now?
It's been so long since I've done anything that's challenged me at a molecular level, the level I'm addicted to operating at - the deepest core.
I've always operated so far outside of range of normal that everything I've done just by-default attracts lavish praise that's always fueled my constant pushing-the-envelope and expanding the edge of socially-prescribed comfort zones.
I've stopped growing. I've reached the upper limits of excitement by vanity metrics. I got to this "I've made it." mentality and it's not enough.
I'm not doing enough.
I'm not committed to a passion project and I need to be.
I am addicted to pursuit.
I am addicted to challenge.
It's mostly mental and emotional, though lately physical challenge has come more into play.
I love nothing more than writing. Communicating. Nothing feels more natural and energizing at a soul level.
I crave living by watching people live bigger, better, freer than me.
I want to get the fuxk un-stuck. I wish I had a roadmap to feeling lose. To feeling crazy, out of control, helpless, hopeless, unmotivated.
Someone said to me once, "If you long for the moon you can't hide from the night."
All I've ever wanted to do was make a difference. To live my life asking all the questions that I ask people and then they feel inspired. I just want to be a storyteller. An alchemist. Living a radically aligned existence with myself and those around me. That's all I want."
I wrote this just a few months ago.
I was living in a country not aligned with my inner ethos, my cultural values, or even my first language. Sure, it wasn't all dark and incongruent, but the friction was palpable. I wasn't happy. I wasn't waking up happy and excited to be alive. And that's how I've learned you know whether you're living aligned.
Do you wake up awake, alive, and excited for the day? for your work? for the stolen moments with the love of your life? the enveloping presence in here-and-now and stomach-turning gratitude for the abundance you've been given?
If the answer is No... I hear you. and I see you. Because not long ago, that's exactly how I felt.
Just because our life looks a certain way in our social feed doesn't mean our soul is aligned with our purpose. And misalignment is the root of every unhappiness, which is the root of every illness - a rabbit hole I'll venture down shortly.... because nothing in my life has felt more aligned than this.